Posts tagged angst

Tears and a Simple Hug

Taemin curled into a small ball under the covers on his bed. This is not the reality I wanted. Why can’t they see that? He started dragging his nails down his arms. Within moments his arms were bright red and swollen tracks from the repetitive motions were showing. His body was shaking. Everyone should stay away from me. I’m like a poison. I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough. The longs scratches in his arms are starting to completely break through the skin. His fingernails are covered in blood, but he ignores it as he continues to scratch- no, dig at his arms. There was no specific reason for Taemin to have sunk so low into depression. I just accepted too much. I pushed too much. I failed too much. I let everyone down. Why do they bother?

“Taeminnie?” Onew sat down on the edge of the younger one’s bed. “Taeminnie, are you okay?”

No. I’m slowly falling apart. It feels like dying. I am dying- not physically, but I can tell it’s coming. I’m dying. Mentally, emotionally, but not physically. I am still present. I can smile and wave with the best actors there are. But I am about to die. I don’t want to respond to hyung though, he’ll be disappointed- or he’ll care. No. He can’t care. That will make it worse. Don’t care hyung, leave me alone- go away.
There was a small whimper as a reply from Taemin as his hands didn’t cease their constant motions. The blood on his arms was transferring to the sheets and spreading to the rest of his hands. No one was supposed to care and Onew saying something now of all times was like pure torture for Taemin. His hands had taken on a mind of their own. This was not how his life was supposed to be. Why do I feel so useless? Why are there people who despise me? What have I ever done wrong? Do the hyungs even know what I am feeling? Should they know?
“Taeminnie, please face me.” Onew sighed lightly. His favorite dongsaeng had been hiding in his room most of the time in more recent days, and he hated it. “Taeminnie,  if you don’t face me I will definitely pull the blanket off of you and force you to look at me.” There was another whimper from Taemin, only it sounded more of pain then of anything else. Onew couldn’t take it anymore and he gripped the blanket that was covering Taemin in one of his hands. He hesitated for a moment and sent a quick prayer to the heavens above before pulling the blanket down.
Seeing the tear stains on Taemin’s cheeks broke Onew’s heart, but seeing the blood on the sheets and on his arms instantly sent Onew’s mind reeling. “Taeminnie…” He choked out in a whisper. Taemin’s eyes flung up to look at his hyung.
“Onew-hyung!” A surprised, choking, crying Taemin spoke the name with some difficulty.
Without a word, Onew pulled Taemin up and encircled his arms around the maknae in a tight hug. “Why?” Silent tears had found their way to Onew’s eyes and were beginning to trail down his cheeks. “Why, Taemin? Is it because of the work? The fans? The antis? Are we not being good enough to you? Have I been a bad hyung? Why would you…?” Onew pulled back a little to face Taemin, “Why did you do this to yourself?”
“Onew-hyung!” The tears were spilling down, as he threw his arms around the leader of the group.
There was no need to exchange anymore words as they hugged one another. The questions and the answers to them were all hanging in the air around them. Onew knew he had to be there for his dongsaeng, and Taemin knew that he would be there for him from no on. No more falling apart, no more tears from feeling useless, no more need to feel useless or ridiculous. Just a simple hug and all the answers presented themselves. The burning and salty tears continued to find their ways down the faces of the two boys, but they were ignored in favor of the comforting warmth of the hug they shared. A hug that spoke more words in thirty seconds then they could exchange in an hour of conversation.
Will you be there for me? Yes.
Do you care for me? I always will.
Can I count on you? 365 days a year.
Will You ever do this again? Never.
Will you lean on me from now on? Forever.
A simple hug, and Taemin knew Onew was there. A simple hug, and Onew knew the younger would lean on him. A simple hug, without a need for words.

6 notes

Letter to You Both

To The Two I Love the Most,

I am holding out for that day when this pain I am feeling becomes nothing more than a bad memory. It’s not that I hate you, or won’t forgive you, the pain is just too overbearing. 

I forgave, but forgetting your actions is something entirely different.

I really do hope you are happy with him. Honestly.

I don’t support what you did, but I was willing to work through it with you. You simply were too stuck on yourself to work with me.

I love you more than you realize, more than I even realized until it was too late. You had started straying from me and found yourself feeling something for him.

You are not solely at fault.

Yet, you can not shove the blame on me. 

He is not the one to pin this on either.

All is forgiven, but I am not ready to face you. Either of you.

We were friends long before we became a couple. He is my one and only brother. I love you both, but I need my time. I need my space. 

With that being said I will contact you when I return. I promise to both of you that I will come back. I’m not easy to get rid of.

And so, until I do return (and even then) do me this favor, please.

Minho, take care of my baby brother.

Taeminnie, don’t be stupid with your love.

Until the day when I can face you again and smile whole heartedly.

I’m sorry, and I love you.

Sincerely,

Lee Jinki

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mmkay~ This probably more of a drabble than a oneshot… but…. I’m the author so… X-P heehee~ ^-^

~BaiLingLing <3

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Also, to my dearest follower fyeahsuperjuniorcouples- I’m working on your YeWon. It’s almost done and it should be posted soon. To be honest, it took a while for me to come up with something that I was satisfied with- but I discovered something and I just have to finish typing it up! ^-^ Thank you most kindly for your patience! ^-^

~BaiLingLing <3

I Forgive You, Too Late

 

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My car had swerved off the embankment. Awhile ago by the looks of it. The snow began piling up around me. I’m stuck. It’s too cold out there for me to leave the car and there is no civilization within a safe walking distance. Why on Earth did I fight with him? I should have just forgiven him; I mean it was a stupid thing to be arguing about anyway, ne? What I wouldn’t give to be back in Korea, in his arms…

Yet here I am, being buried alive. Maybe I should call for help! I should have my phone in here somewhere… I searched all over when I finally found it underneath the front passenger seat. I flipped it open and it beeped angrily at me. I didn’t have much battery left, I should call for help- who am I supposed to call? What number am I supposed to dial when I’m in America stuck in the worst snow storm America has seen in nearly 20 years? I can’t call my yeobo, he’s in Korea that wouldn’t help me now; then again it doesn’t help that I can officially see my breath and my lungs are starting to feel burdened when I breathe. No! No negative thoughts… yeobo…

*-*-*-*Flashback*-*-*-*

“Please, forgive me! I promise it won’t happen again! I’ll respect your wishes, I’ll be more cautious around your family, I’ll be more subtle when we perform our fanservice acts- please! Just don’t break up with me now! Please!” Tears streaked down his face his normal flaming charisma is nowhere to be seen. It’s just him and me and the broken promise.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know. That was a promise we made two and a half years ago, yeobo. You broke it today and- well, I just don’t know how I am supposed to face my family now. They are surely not going to be thrilled about this…”

“Please! I’m sorry! I’ll explain it to your family, I confess to my family, I’ll tell the world the truth that I am dating-“

“YEOBO!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “I’m sorry, we’ll discuss this when I come back.”

“Come back?” there was confusion written all over his face.

“I’m going to America to fulfill a familial tradition, remember? I’ll be back in a week, I promise we will talk this out then and until then…”

“Will we still be together can I still call you ‘yeobo?’”

“For now yes, we’ll discuss this further in a week.” I put on the best smile I could muster.

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The snow is piling higher and higher it’s covered the windshield and all of my windows. But I can’t help but think of my Flaming Charisma, my yeobo. I should have told him it was okay. I mean, that promise and… I let out a soft groan and open my cell phone again. My breathing is labored, my fingers aren’t cooperating well, and my vision is fading. I open a new message. I close my eyes and slowly let my fingers tap the buttons I had memorized long ago. I’m sorry, yeobo… I’m sorry…

*~*~*~*Two Weeks Later*~*~*~*

The snow had long since begun to melt; when the State Trooper called into headquarters that he had located a seemingly abandoned car. Once back up arrived they pulled the car up the embankment and found a person unconscious inside of it. They all held their breath as they opened the door to the car.

After a few minutes an E.M.T. came over bearing the news. The body inside the car was just that, a body. For further information regarding the corpse, they had to get an autopsy done.

Forensics took the cell phone from the hand of the corpse. The battery had died long before, but they could still retrieve what they needed from the memory card of the phone. When the results came back from the autopsy and the cell phone they contacted the family of the deceased, telling them the grim news. Yet, for the corpse and his yeobo in Korea one important piece of information was brushed aside from the cell phone device…

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DRAFT

To: Yeobo, Minho

From: Minnie

(1/3)Yeobo, I’m sorry I didn’t say this sooner, but I love you. I forgive you. I was just being rash. Please forgive me as this is the worst way to tell you this. (2/3)But I love you more than you know, and probably more still after this. I know I won’t be around for too much longer but I love you I love you I love you I (3/3)love you I lov